This is the story up until October 2011:
Lifeslurper lives in a big brown land known as “Auuuustralia”. She was already aged (in reproductive terms) when first stumbling across the adorable (but completely vague) Wobbles. She was 42, he was 44. Shortly after our first “I love yous” came the now immortal words “Let’s have a baby!” Neither of us can recall exactly who had the fool-hardy idea first.
More than five years have passed since then. There were five IVF cycles, all of them fairly disastrous. Only one reached embryo transfer. There are no baby Lifeslurpers’ or Wobbles’ from previous relationships.
Somewhere our infertility was labelled as “unexplained” although the clinic seemed to view my age as explanation enough. We were given less than 3% chance of success, but the clinic was happy to accept our money.
Cycles were interrupted by various issues; three months lost to whooping cough, several other medical dramas, three house moves (involving three cities), and the usual dramas associated with coming up with the dough to fund this whole IVF tour of duty.
We hadn’t long set foot into our first fertility clinic when we realised that the process; the administration, the communications, the attitudes to older patients would be the hardest part of this whole deal. There were some gigantic mess ups on behalf of our clinic and our earlier fertility specialists, prompting the philosophical Wobbles to state; “It’s all about outcomes, not processes” Quickly it became obvious that our poor statistics were not the kind our clinic was happy to deal with.
The insanity we were witnessing and the need to find an outlet for the confusion that is infertility led to the creation of this blog. I thought the worst of our experiences had already passed before the first post was sent. The nightmare of a waiting room cancellation of our first embryo transfer (in front of other patients) we thought would see the end of our worst IVF had to offer.
Most Australian clinics will treat women with their own eggs up until the age of 45. I reached that magic cut-off point in 2009, not long after a last-stitch cycle that yielded my worst yet results: no eggs at pick up. Shortly after posting the update here I was at the receiving end of some anonymous comments from a poster who felt the need to taunt me for my failure with her own pregnancy. Those comments became my all time blog low.
This wonderful thing that had become a life-line was suddenly recalling the depression and avoidant personality condition I struggled to keep at a safe distance. Suddenly my IF sisters were not the endlessly loving and understanding souls I had grown to view them as. Being kicked off of the fertility clinic production line at the same time as receiving a huge whack from a cyclesista was truly the knock-out blow. It was to be a long climb back, I can tells yer!
Since that time there have been some changes. A(nother) new home, new kitties, new ideas. I’ve even managed to wrestle back my nice feelings about blogging. No one, no matter their motives, condition or mental health issues will ever come between me and my blog again! So there!
From the depths of IVF despair burn the embers of hope.
At the start of 2010 things took an unexpected turn. Our bumbling IVF clinic offered us some young eggs from an anonymous donor. For a while, we thought every delay and error ever made by the clinic was to be obliterated by this one good deed. Problem was, the clinic was ready to outdo themselves in the incompetence department: they sent us the full details of our ‘anonymous’ donor. That first fresh donor egg transfer resulted in our first pregnancy, and a loss in record time.
We followed up with a FET soon after and despite a lack of medical emergencies, clinic mishaps and more – the cycle ended with a negative result. Then we stopped to do the mourning we should have done before. I stretched the budget even further and embarked on a fitness campaign of extra healthy eating and exercise – managing strengthen my dodgey back, lose over 25kgs and amaze our fertility specialist into the bargain.
Our plan was to have more control over events. I applied and was accepted into post-graduate university studies to commence early 2011. Yet late 2010 we were stopped in our tracks. ‘Other Stuff’ I call it. Past histories and external events jumped up and bit us on the nose. My own severe depression re-appeared and for the first time I was found to have serious anxiety. Other Stuff had caused a stress-related trauma that has been very difficult to cope with, while these matters show no signs of abating.
Our return to IVF was supposed to take place in January 2010, but the by then standard clinic delays and mix-up got in the way again. There was the need to have a hysteroscopy and very sudden arrival of menopause to cause another six months of delays. There was the usual comical (it WILL be funny, one day!) stuff-ups and two more FET cycles were cancelled in rapid succession. A third was completed and resulted in our second pregnancy. After some concerns, that pregnancy was declared ‘no longer viable’ at 6 weeks and 1 day.
For the time being, our plans are on pause. We need to collect the strength, courage and endurance to go on. There is also the need to find the funds to bankroll this endless blank cheque that is ART. We also need to find a way to ensure all possible testing and investigations are completed. A third early loss would be unthinkable. There is also the need to not be attempting our family building efforts against a backdrop of Other Stuff.
Contact Lifeslurper:
Lifeslurper is happy to accept emails, bribes and donations at:-
lifeslurper AT fastmail DOT com DOT au
