IVF clichés and myths seem to go hand in hand with the burden that is infertility. I am sure we all experience varying degrees of these extra annoying platitudes delivered to in some way to reassure us by well meaning people who are well out of their emotional depth.
Blogosphere pal, Rho of Nobaby Lane recently unleashed a stinging, yet highly amusing post entitled ‘Stupid Fertiles’, a Top 10 list of the stupid things people say in regards to infertility.
I am thankful that not too many people risk saying stupid things to me about this whole baby making endeavour. That is not because I know people who are infinitely more sensible than those in Rho’s circle, no not at all. It is more to do with the fact that very few close acquaintances know that Wobbles and I even want a baby.
That secrecy has more to do with me and my age. I am kind of embarrassed to be attempting this caper at my age. Plus I am far too filled with superstition and worry to want people to know if I become pregnant, before that pregnancy has passed various milestones and made it safely through the early stages.
This whole pregnancy things seems to be quite a risky thing, increase the age of the mother substantially and well….yeah, I’ve read all the depressing studies that make far to many mentions of miscarriage, Downs Syndrome and other fun topics.
Last thing I want is to have to add “what a baby at your age?” to Rho’s list!
So what other stupid things do people say to the infertile? Anyone got something to add to Rho’s list?
Oh, this is forever a topic of amusement and frustration (and hot, blinding rage at times). Like you, very few of my friends know about our IF, but now many of them know we’re at least ‘trying’, so I expect the stupid comments to coming rolling in pretty soon. To date, I have gotten some pretty cruel comments (for ex., maybe God is trying to prevent you from having a handicapped child). Seriously, I think some of RESOLVE’s funds (that’s the national infertility support group here in the states) should go towards making a leaflet about what NOT to say and littering the streets of every city around the globe with it. Ok, maybe they don’t have resources like that, but I would love to see more information disseminated. Maybe then we’d see some of the ridiculous comments cease.
There are so many. So so many. My mother in law recently told my husband that “cousin X did IVF 4 times and never got pregnant. But 10 years later – BOOM! They were pregnant!” As if 10 years(!) is “BOOM!” in any way?
On my way to IVF #1 after 4 medicated cycles, an IUI and 4 m/cs my boss told me I couldn’t get pregnant because I didn’t eat lunch.
A friend of mine knows that I’ve always wanted a daughter. (Of course I would blissfully take a son, but I’d like a daughter – sue me.) One day she told me that I really needed to have a boy first because they’re so cuddle-y. She looked absolutely shocked when I told her I probably wasn’t going to get more than one shot at this. If that.
I don’t know – someone says something stupid every.single.day. Sometimes I wish I’d kept it all to myself too…
I’ve personally been having a difficult time trying to get pregnant.
I have finished a book called Tiny Toes by Kelly Damron that I really enjoyed and I think everyone should read this book.
I would do anything to get pregnant and have tried a lot of tricks and still not pregnant.
I applaud Ms. Damron for writing an incredibly open and honest account of her journey through infertility and prematurity. Not many people would so honestly reveal the fracturing of in-law, family, and marital relationships as the stress and depression of infertility took its toll.
I know I wish i found this book years ago, so I wanted to help the rest of you who are like me out there! Enjoy!
Oh my dear, Lifeslurper, yes!! Brightened up my day have a look at that top 10, I tell you – brilliant!!
With the number of times that I have heard the BOOM story from friends, specialists, doctors etc, I honestly don’t know if I can hold my tongue for much longer – this is ESPECIALLY from people who know DH has had a vasectomy that has not been reversed – I mean, der, how is that meant to help!!!
People who know I am going through IVF telling me their stories about how great it is to have their kids in their life, wonderfully life changing etc – so supportive and nurturing to remind me of what I am missing.
From the nurse who took around 2 litres of blood for tests last week – ‘a girlfriend of mine is 8 months pregnant and it was her 14th try on IVF’ – honestly, I wanted to put my face in my hands and sob for 12 years at the thought of 10 more of these frickin (hope I am allowed to say that!) cycles!!
I don’t know how ‘relax’ did not make the top 10 cos honestly, that word has rocketed to the top of my list of words that make me want to take to DH’s punching bag like a ‘Million Dollar Baby’. Especially poignant from the friend who got pregnant on the first month she stopped taking the pill.
Oh yes and one of my favourites ‘maybe it’s because you’re not ready yet’ – does that meant that women addicted to heroin, crack etc are ‘ready’ when they have a baby? Does that mean that all teenagers who get pregnant are ‘ready’ – I could go on and on here but I won’t bore you.
Ummm, errr – back to the path of enlightenment (who knew that there was such a well of bitterness inside me – thanks for the opportunity to vent!!!)
Man, Lifeslurper, you’ve opened the floodgates with this one. Every frickin day people say to me really dumb stuff, and mostly it’s the goddamn health professionals who are supposed to be trying to help me!!! There are even more comments now that I’m in the secondary infertility basket. eg
1. At least you have one. Well yes, at least I do have one and I am very, very, very grateful to have her, but that does not take away the immense pain I have at not being able to conceive another child.
2. At least you know it (IVF) can work. (Well yes, I know it did work, which just makes it all the more frustrating that it won’t bloody work again.)
3. You were spoilt that it worked so quickly the first time. (An extra special comment from one of the IVF clinic nurses).
4. Maybe nature wanted you to have a larger gap between your children. (Another IVF clinic nurse).
5. You should only have sex every second day – it’s worked for us. (Oh of course, THAT’s what I’ve been doing wrong – NOT!)
6. Is it a good idea to try so soon? (Um, yeah I think so, given that the frickin biological clock is tick, tick, ticking.)
7. I know someone who got pregnant on her 16th try at IVF. (People who say things like this generally have NO clue what IVF involves.)
8. RELAX. (For people who say this, I would like to actually steal their child in a shopping centre and then tell them to relax and see how they feel.) (PS Just kidding, I’m not quite that manic yet.)
9. We know so and so who had to have IVF for their first and then managed to conceive all their subsequent children naturally. (Bully for them!)
10. When are you going to have your second???? (Good frickin’ question!!! It’s not like IVF no 1 was some magical cure!)
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