Charting our way to a baby

Until my body manages to produce bar-coded mucus, Lifeslurper has not got much hope of understanding her own fertility – or lack thereof.  

Is it too much to ask of medical science to create a special barcode reader for female mucus? A reader that is attached to its own measurement tool not unlike the DEFense readiness CONdition (DEFCON) used by the United States Armed Forces to describe activation and readiness levels wouldn’t go astray either! DEFCON 5 describes standard peacetime protocol, while DEFCON 1 represents expectation of actual imminent attack. RUMpy PUMpy requirement (RUMPUM) measurement would automatically tell us when it is time to “go for it” or “don’t bother,” unless of course there is a compelling interest or reason why you might actually want to, outside of this whole baby making routine stuff.

While Wobbles and I lick our wounds from our most recent IVF disaster and make plans for our next foray into ART, Lifeslurper has sought the assistance of a naturopath. As expected, this alternative health practitioner advocates the use of herbal medicine. The added surprise has been the addition of some fairly detailed temperature and mucus charting. Lifeslurper does not like doing homework. 

Lifeslurper grew up in a family of nurses, but until the arrival of digital thermometers could never take her own temperature. Perhaps it was a childhood plagued by chronic illness or the constant medical talk of a nurse mother and three nurse sisters? Whatever the reason, Lifeslurper has never had any interest in knowing too much about the workings of the human body. During this infertile phase of my life, that ignorance is beginning to haunt me.

When Wobbles and Lifeslurper met and soon decided we wanted to try to have a baby. It was a case of going straight to my general practitioner, Dr Cutey MD. Despite our ages, he gave us three months to see if anything happened on its own. A tense wait over some home pregnancy tests each month and that inevitable feeling of failure, and Lifeslurper was back visiting with Dr Cutey some time greater than three months later (let’s not talk about the delays caused by Wobbles’ dragging his heels on going back for results on some basic testing which extended the lead-in time considerably!)   

Age meant we had no option to quickly seek specialist advice, and a rural shortage of gynaecologists meant we were referred immediately to a fertility clinic. The idea was we would be cutting out the middle man (or doctor, as the case may be!) and save precious time. This is the sort of planning needed when the world repeatedly tells you that your eggs are ageing by the hour – no make that; by the minute. Still there were delays getting in to see the fertility specialist. Many months later (after one cancelled cycle) we would learn that branch of our clinic worked on a special time schedule only they seemed to understand. It involved something about making all cycles coincide so the minimum of theatre time could be booked. Fall outside of those very rigid parameters and risk an instant delay of months. How could we have known something we had no clues we needed to know? Originally we thought all cycles operated very slowly, that months and months of pre-cycle use of the contraceptive pill was the norm. 

Time continued to be wasted. Point is we did not know it at the time. Our infertility was put down quite simply to my age. With no prior attempts at pregnancy, my fertility was largely ‘unknown.’ We meekly followed clinic advice. The use of oral contraceptives meant charting to find our alleged ‘fertile’ days was a moot point. Vague attempts were made at temperature taking and home saliva testing. Who needs to worry about something so simple as ovulation when you have the might of a hundred million dollar fertility clinic chain at your disposal? What are a couple of hokey home efforts of charting going to achieve that sniffing and injecting hormones made synthetically (with the assistance of gene technology) won’t? 

Maybe it is another Lifeslurper example of keeping things at arms distance? Whatever the reason, like with all things related to this ever increasingly stressful and unsuccessful run at fertility, I grow resentful. Simple things such as taking and recording a daily temperature seem like an added chore to the already mountainous list of activities required to prime this old gal for pregnancy. Don’t even get me started on this whole Da Mucus Deciphering Code business! 

I have known women who dutifully keep thorough records and charts noting the literal highs and lows of their fertility. Meanwhile Lifeslurper admits to being rather lackadaisical, some might even say lazy in her approach. Is this a classic case of avoidance? Just how much can we be expected to do? Does being a part of an ART program lead us to be less self-reliant? What is the right balance in approaching taking back some control of our own fertility?

Be Sociable, Share!

•