Turning to Dorothy the Dinosaur and Thomas the Tank Engine

Well it is now over a month since our latest IVF cycle not so much ended with a bang, but died with a whimper. Wobbles and I are still scratching our heads as to which way to go. We are officially on the clinic’s donor egg top 100 list, languishing somewhere near the end of that number. The marching on of time means we are compelled to keep trying with our own eggs, and hope we turn up a non-‘degenerate’ one or eventually are in receipt of a donated version.

Truth is, neither of us seems sufficiently recovered from the psychological terrors of four cycles on the trot. A cycle cancelled before pick-up; a long cyst (then the resulting fertility specialist and clinic change) caused delay; a pick up followed by a waiting room cancelled embryo transfer; a single embryo transfer and a two week wait without bleeding (that came after the blood test!); a short (antagonist) protocol that went on an on resulting in having no embryos to transfer. Doesn’t sound like much when squashed into a few short lines, but this has been our life for what seems like forever now.

For now Wobbles is concentrating on his work. Lifeslurper is succeeding in dropping a few kilograms, with a healthier BMI in mind. Still the weeks are long even when not in the midst of another successive cycle. Things seem a little askew without the relentless program of travel, medications and uncertainty IVF brings us.

We are not currently undertaking treatment, yet we are still in the grips of this madness. Goodness, we are still to receive the paperwork that will enable us to commence the process to receive a refund on the up-front cycle costs paid months ago.

Increasingly more it seems that ART is with us. It is a constant part of us, despite our mixed feelings. IVF looms large over us. We are grateful for its existence. We are fortunate to be able to access its services. Yet, I feel so often that it is a wretched curse designed to punish those so foolish to submit to infertility. Perhaps I would feel different should it ever succeed for me.

My difficult relationship with IVF continues to wax and wane. This week ART is winning.

In the wash-up of the big birthday blues I am struck by the hopelessness of my situation.

Giving my beloved Wobbles the baby he so strongly desires seems impossible. We were foolish at our advance ages to think it were possible? I keep hearing the words of the first acupuncturist I went to see (and stopped attending for this very reason); each week he felt the need to sit me down and prepare me for the likelihood that we would never have a baby. Pessimistic me, needing yet another reminder of our low chances of IVF success? I have to wear those kind of comments coming from the fertility specialists, I have no choice. I had hired this guy to stick needles in me, not to comment on my IVF chances.

Lifeslurper tried something sneaky; I took Wobbles to finally meet my baby niece and nephew, Little Miss (age 21 months) and Master J (age 4) hoping that a blast of noisy, silly, naughty reality might act as a nice damper. Little Miss immediately attempted to jump into the pair of Dorothy the Dinosaur pjs we had bought for her – over her clothes – while Master J demonstrated to train fixated Wobbles the magnetic qualities of the metal Thomas the Tank engines we had given him. Master J also demonstrated his play acting ability; “I’m going to be a fork lift!” he says making stiff armed scissor motions; “Now I am going to be a house!” standing straight, arms extended, clasped high above his head; “Now I am a monkey!!!!” arms curled under to his side, legs bent at the knees; “What am I going to be next? Er….um…..” and a frantic search for inspiration.

We were waved off with a youthful cry of; “Thanks for coming! Do call again!”

Later I asked Wobbles if this had put him off the idea of babies at all; “No, it just makes me want them more!” came the firm and confident response.

We have not locked in any firm plans just yet. However, it looks like this baby making stuff ain’t over for us quite yet.