Piggy in the IVF middle
Lifeslurper is having a bad day week month.
There are about eighteen incomplete posts half written for this blog, most of them not worth publishing. Why, that has never stopped me before, I hear you ask.
I feel completely without inspiration and purpose. Twins states I continue to spend most of my existence in. Conditions this blog was supposed to provide some respite from.
The pressures of infertility are becoming too much.
I wonder if this blog is even worth continuing. I wonder if IVF is worth continuing. I wonder what is worth continuing.
I am now 44 years of age. No fertility professionals gave my 42 year old body the chance of doing this when we started out. Here we are, brow beaten and somewhat stunned after four IVF cycles in less than eight months. Only one cycle has made it to embryo transfer. The most recent cycle, featuring our most powerful protocol gave us our worst ever results.
It is all starting to feel like one big horrible fantasy that my beloved Wobbles’ positivity and the availability of the medical science sucked me into. Oh sure, I allowed myself to think it was possible for me, despite my advanced years, to still have a baby. I bought into this wonderfully enticing dream quite willingly. However, the reality is something quite different.
After each IVF delay and failure I have managed to pull myself up by the socks and march head on to another phase of this crazy existence.
This time is different. We are scratching our heads wondering what to do next. We delay, mostly because I can’t bring myself back to so willingly continue on where there is no hope.
Stay positive!
That is one of two main annoying things people say to me about all of this.
You’re doing all you can!
Is the other most annoying thing people say to me about our attempts at IVF.
I don’t believe for one moment that signing up for IVF is a sure-fire means of producing a baby. Our fertility specialists (all three of them!) have all made their opinions of my age clear. What they have neglected to do is mention the affects of excess weight in this whole saga.
Leading up to our first fertility specialist appointment almost a year ago, I had embarked on a diet and exercise campaign that had seen me reduce my weight to a level where I felt less guilty about my shape. Still I feared being read the riot act over my weight at that first appointment. When the questions of medical history began, I felt the need to lead in with “Well, obviously I am overweight….” The response was vague. Somewhere along the line I began to feel weight was not as an important factor as I had thought it would be. Surely if I was too fat they would stop me from proceeding with IVF. I had even discussed this with Dr Cutey MD, who said “but really fat women get pregnant and have babies all the time!” then what was I?
The disaster of our first cancelled cycle saw us change clinics and specialists. Retirement of the second specialist lead us to our third specialist. Weight continued to be a non-issue. Or maybe it didn’t?
My classification as infertile has only been known in the time I have been overweight. I can’t know what it is to be an infertile woman of a perfect body weight. All I know is that so much of this experience leads to focus on the body, and many self-accusations over the failure of my body to do the very thing it is being asked of; to become pregnant, and give birth to a healthy baby.
So once again, I have begun to lose weight. I don’t know how much will be enough, or if I have the time to reach an undetermined goal that might make pregnancy possible. There is no real way of telling if excess weight is what prevents pregnancy, or if there are other reasons that could be responsible.
Now I see infertility and the related ART treatments as an even more complex collection of difficulties; age, weight, protocol types, medication choices and fertility specialist’ recommendations.
What of this great lump of a rapidly ageing woman? I am piggy in the middle with no clue which way to turn.
Too many choices.
Too little time.
No room for error.
You couldn’t have said it any better - Too many choices. Too little time. No room for error. - specially for us of advanced maternal age.
I hope you and Wobbles soon get clarity on your next steps.
I really hope the path becomes clear soon. Surely reaching your ideal BMI (or close to it) must be good for fertility, your back issues, overall health, but most importantly your self image. I don;t know how much you want to lose, but anything can only improve the situation??? As for getting motivated to start a new cycle, I am in the same boat. My heart is no longer in the babymaking project. I sought out a one year old on the weekend, hoping it would rekindle that fire I once felt, but all I got a was a fleeting spark. None the less, I will probably do one more cycle next month to who knows, we may be side by side for an EPU! Good luck with your decisions and actions.
Cripes. Don’t stop blogging. I’m kinda counting on it as one of my main distractions during my 2WW!!!
(Hope you at least got a small smile, if not a laugh from the above.)
Good on you with the weight loss programme. It’ll be good for your life in general. Afraid I’ve got no answers on the fertility side.
BTW - I agree with you about comments such as stay positive and you’re doing all you can as not being that helpful. Sometimes I find a good wallow in my misery actually makes me feel better. If that works for you - wallow away! Something else that I found helpful was to also put in place a picture of what my life would look like if the baby plan didn’t work out. While this was confronting as hell, once I had that picture it made life easier. Doing that is not for everyone though, and completely understand if it’s not something that you find helpful.
I’ve posted before re: the overseas thing, so I’m guessing that’s not for you either.
Anyway, just wanted to say hello. I’ve been missing your blog.
PS I know you’re probably busy being miserable and everything at the moment, but do you think you could find time to bring back the teddy??
PPS Please take care.
PPPS If it would cheer you up I would even do the guest blog thing for you. Only ‘cos times seem tough for you, you understand.
It is rather confusing how many elements go into fertility. Tending to each and every one of them can make one’s head spin! I don’t doubt that weight is correlated to fertility to a certain degree (I saw it in my lab work after I lost weight), but I’m not certain that losing weight can actually restore fertility, possibly just enhance it. However, it’s so easy in this IF game to blame ourselves (maybe I had too much caffeine, or maybe I needed to lose more weight). Don’t get trapped in the blame game. I truly doubt that any treatment failures can solely be attributed to weight, otherwise your doctors would have made it a much bigger issue. I looked at weight loss as a gift to myself and after all that IF has taken from you, it’ll be a good time to get a gift! Good luck! It’s a tough task, but then again you’re not a stranger to challenge.
I didn’t blog back when I was going through IVF but I do remember the feeling of panic. I had my first cycle when I was 40 and my fourth and last cycle when I was 41. I then went through about 3 years of trying to wrap my mind around never overcoming secondary infertility. So I do understand the relentless progression of the clock but I wish I could make you be a little easier on yourself.
IVF is a science but an inexact and unforgiving one. No matter what you do, you *COULD* be successful or you *MIGHT* not be successful and there is error surrounding you in every decision and every option. You might not feel there is any room for error but it is inherent and pervasive in ART. Maybe you will make decisions and not end up where you want to be but my lord we all know that if it was obvious what to do, you’d do it.
I also agree with what Shelby said about excess weight.
I do like reading your posts Lifeslurper (and I don’t follow many blogs anymore). I wish I had a crystal ball for you but life just isn’t that easy, is it? (I know, I know, easy is one thing… but does it have to be so damn hard?)
DinoD
ART is so complicated … I know so many women who are accused of infertility on the basis of weight but just as many average weight ones are in the same boat.
God if only it were this simple.
I wasn’t overweight … I was infertile and they didn’t know why I couldn’t get pregnant for 12 years.
It is amazing how far we will go to try anything…at whatever cost.
Keep blogging I just found you and I am interested.