“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” John Lennon.
Anyone facing the ongoing battle to start a family can lose whole years of living swept up in the endless uncertainty of “will we be parents?”
Years in, I am yet to find a suitable interim solution to living in the midst of infertility. We no longer talk babies all that much. We don’t chart things anymore. Today is Cycle Day Number Who Cares? I haven’t taken my temperature in so long, wait on, do we even have a thermometer anymore?
Perhaps the heartbreak of the fifth failed IVF cycle was the straw that broke this infertiles back? Whatever the case, almost six months have passed since any IVF activity. A 45th birthday came and went without so much as a murmur. Much has changed, but one absolute remains unchanged: we are still no closer to a baby.
A family tradition of superstition tempts my thoughts to the view that there are forces ‘keeping’ us from our goal. Other times I believe we are just too lazy and disorganised to make anything happen.
Months ago I wanted to bury the last remnants of more ART failures. The clinic posted out a cheque. It was a refund for overpayment of services never received on our last cycle. I ventured out early and made that deposit at the bank branch. I felt triumphant. It was a sunny winter morn, and that cycle was finally over. The day of thick with possibilities and promise. I stepped a few feet from the bank and tripped. Falling heavily, I was hurt and embarrassed. Kind onlookers came to my aid, someone went back to the bank for assistance. What was to follow were many weeks of infection, pain, antibiotics, dressings, limping, X-rays, swelling and more. I was too distracted by my own physical pain to notice the painless countdown of those last eligible months of local fertility treatment before reaching the pumpkin turning age of 45.
Life was happening all around.
This was quickly followed by being hauled reluctantly into the planning of a family gathering to mark my mother’s 80th birthday, and all that meant – facing siblings – the past and more things I did not care to address just at this time.
Then our precious kitty became ill. A week’s bedside vigil turned into loss and bereavement and a new type of loneliness.
Acting in the face of a rather huge personal fear I then confronted the possibility of returning to work (eek!) and began the arduous task of applying for a selected group of jobs.
Things had not progressed far in the job search when Wobbles’ and my plan to commence a slow and deliberate house search in our new town was turned on its ear when we received news that our current temporary housing is going to be even more temporary than long expected. That leisurely house search instantly became an urgent one, that weeks on is still yet to solve itself – despite of concentrated efforts.
Then this week the meandering weaving of the life path hit me with reasonable impact. Waiting in traffic while driving, I was hit from behind while at a complete stop. The force sent me forward with a jolt that my neck and head are still recovering from. The driver who caused this was more concerned about noting existing damage to the car and had no time to check on my condition. The shock of the fall I’d taken months earlier still fresh enough to send me straight to the medical centre only a few meters away. Wobbles came and collected me from the doctors and from there we went to view another house. With some luck, this indeed might be our new semi-permanent home.
Could it be a place to start a family?
Who can really say………let’s just hope we have some fun finding out.
Hi! Thanks for commenting on my blog! I love your blog and writing style. Sorry to read about your cat dying in the summer – Squeak sounds like a wonderful cat! Wow you have really Bern through he’ll with the ivfs plus the accidents. I hope you find a nice home quick!
I would definitely consider donor eggs seriously. I am not sure how available they are in Australia – but I read that another ICLW er is going to Thailand to do a cycle.
Your post about our ninety year old selves was right on. I don’t know why REs persist in doing endless cycles when the chances are so slim.
Both my docs took one look at me and said “donor eggs” . We did one round of Ivf and didn’t even get one respectable looking follicle.
I look forward to following your journey!
Sorry – my I phone has a weird spell check thing on it. I meant been not Bern.
You have really been through it, haven’t you?
It is nice to be reading you, again, however. I hope for you that your new home will be the place that you find peace and your children come home to you.
Sorry to hear of all you have been through lately. I hope that you find a lovely new home soon.
Gosh, you have had a rough trot, my friend – I hope that you are feeling better soon. Good luck with the house hunting, hope you find something good soon!! Keep your chin up, love – things will get better.
I too have been free from thermometers and injections for about 3 months. It actually feels kind of good to regroup. I’ve had 4 failed IVFs and a number of IUIs. BFNs. I hope you are recovering steadily from the accidents. Depending on the extent of your injuries it sometimes can be quite a lengthy process. There is a book that I’m reading called Unsung Lullabies. It’s actually pretty good. It’s helping me cope. I’ve not given up completely, but its helping me to appreciate my life with my husband without children (as I look out my window I see a pregnant woman getting into a car, how ironic). The book is also helping me to learn how to deal with continually seeing pregnant women and happy families, yada, yada, yada. Sometimes I need a lot of help. Your John Lennon quote really caught my eye.
My first time visiting. Life is an interesting mix of shoulda coulda wouldas isn’t it? Glad that you are coping with it! Good luck with those things you CAN control!
I’m so sorry to hear of all you’ve been through these last few months. When it rains, it pours, right? I’m praying that you will soon get the answers to all the questions you have up in the air! (((hugs))))
Happy ICLW!
Wishing you the best on the things that you can control.
Stopping by for an ICLW visit…
No. 2: the unfair struggle (mfi, speedskating, nanowrimo)
It’s my first time visiting your blog, so I don’t know whether you have considered alternatives, but I see that one of your other visitors mentioned egg donation. There is a group in the UK called Donor Conception Network that gives workshops, counselling and peer support on the issues surrounding 3rd party assisted conception. Perhaps there is something like that near you, that can help you sort out what your next step will be. DCN does have a newsletter that might help.
While I don’t know a specific fertility coach in Australia, if there is one, I do have many contacts and could help you find someone. A fertility coach can help you identify all of your options, make sure that they are in line with your values, support you in your decision-making and keep you on course. Please let me know if you would like that kind of referral and I will do my best.
Lisa (ICLW # Your Great Life)