There is a particular motivation that is central to our ttc efforts. This motivation has never been mentioned on this blog. With our lives are currently unravelling before us, and with it that revised hope for our future baby seems to be disintegrating, it seems that ‘hidden’ motivation is more obvious that it seemed before. The time has probably come to discuss it here, but first I need to find the courage as well as permission from another.Suffice to say, Wobbles and I have reached the zenith of our struggles as a couple. At least, I hope we have. Events worse than those, which have prevailed for some months, seem inconceivable (pun intended!) and for once, I am not referring to our attempts to have a baby. The situation right now does not relate to IVF, but in that usual cruel twist of ttc fate, the ‘situation’ and our Baby Hopes are inexorably intertwined.
As a unit, Wobbles and I remain strong, but existing in continual and extreme stress is difficult. I have to be mindful of depression too. While not depressed at the moment, sometimes the differences between a depressed mind and utter wretched life events become blurred. Counselling and other forms of outside assistance are currently underway to hopefully help to prop us up.
Life is not centred around IVF, the usual place of those familiar events of shared sadness and disappointment. Things show no signs of relenting, and it is in these circumstances we have planned to move toward that next push at producing a Take Home baby Wobbles.
Yet, even in circumstances less than ideal, my body has decided to object. Did we get complacent at the thought of a low-stress, all drug-free, natural FET, using super-duper donor egg made embryos, or did my body just decide ‘enough is enough!’ Whatever the case, my period has stopped. It was without warning, and has left me somewhat in shock.
As soon as my period failed to show, I was worried. After a few days I allowed my over-stressed mind to indulge in the fantasy of ‘what if….?’ I glanced both ways before reaching for the cheapest supermarket POAS and made my purchase at the self-checkout. Back at home, I soon got the result I had suspected all along: it was negative. I inwardly chastised myself on wasting funds on dream chasing and secreted the packaging in the household rubbish. Wobbles should never know of my of raised (albeit) briefly expectations.
Then followed our standard comical efforts to get assistance from the clinic: cutting a very long story short – there was none. Then we tried a different approach. I did after all have in my possession a referral for an ultrasound to investigate my fibroids. As of July 2010 they were not considered a problem by size or location. I arranged to have the scan in the hope that this might provide a short-cut to my correcting my AF-free ways. Somewhere in those weeks, I began to imagine tumours and all manner of bad things. The clinic nurse was impervious to my need for haste on this one, and eventually we took the almost (for us) unprecedented move for us, and contacted our fertility specialist direct. In doing so, we were rewarded with a much more timely appointment to see him for a consultation. From that, I assumed my worst fears were unfounded, and went with the inevitable thoughts: that my body has had a major reaction to extreme stress, or the more likely scenario: that I have now entered a perimenopause or an actual menopausal state. This realisation is depressing on more levels than I choose to think about just now. The reality is that this is going to seriously impact, or maybe end our pursuit of Baby Wobbles. If I was not so badly stressed right now, I would be seriously depressed – whoops! Looks like I inadvertently found a positive in all of this, so at least that is something.
Despite less than ideal conditions while we live in the ruins of external events we can in no way control, I am reminded of the many people who have been affected by natural disaster across this part of the world in the last few weeks. Everything, even ttc looks rather insignificant in the face of untold tragedy brought about by floods, cyclones, bushfires and earthquakes.
We have our own sometimes wobbly and slurpy selves. Together we are safe. That is a big something in a world where all else seems uncertain.
The reminders that life is short have been on my mind too – both natural disasters and mundane accidents etc.
I find though that it hardly impacts my sadness over ttc.
I hope it isn’t menopause, because that isn’t welcome news at all. Are you very certain it would spell the end though? Because I was under the impression that when you have an egg donor, the rest can be solved with medication.
I hope whatever is stressing you so much gets resolved.
Hmm…don’t know what to think about that. I hope it’s not the onset of menopause (although, as Lut C. says, that can be overcome if you have an embryo).
Sometimes it takes events like the tragedy in NZ to make us pause and really think. I hope you figure it out in your mind soon.
ICLW.
Lut said it best. Just know I am thinking of you and hoping that it’s not early menopause.
Here from ICLW. Loving your writing style, and I’m really hoping that the end of your period does not equate to stopping the pursuit of your baby Wobbles. I’m impressed by your ability to notice the positives in your life (albeit inadvertent)….may those moments continue for you and Wobbles.
It has definitely been a time to reflect recently – it is certainly hard to ignore the natural disasters on our doorstep. I am very sorry about the witch going away – she is very contrary but as others have mentioned, I hope that this does not spell the end of Project Wobbly Baby. All my love.
It sounds like there is much going on in the life of Wobbles and Lifeslurper. I hope there is a relief of the stress in your very near future.
That is all stressful. Just so you know, the definition of menopause is after a full 12 months without a period. Perimenopause can go on for years. Perimenopause is not a problem when using donor eggs (neither is actual menopause). A 46 year old friend of mine has been having hot flashes and irregular periods for at least 2 years. She’s now nearing the end of her first trimester with donor egg twins.
Hang in there!
I am sorry to see the issue is co existing with IF. The IF is more than enough for a single person. I hope you can unload if it might help you. You are thoughtful to ensure the correct permissions are in place. That is our Slurp. Slurpy self.
Not sure why The Change would end the Baby Wobble plans? Is there something we dont know? DE get you all beyond those concerns.
What a world we live in. Although IF may not be a world crisis, it is a tragedy. Don’t ever make yourself feel bad because you are sad over TTC when the world has other things going on. IF is our own personal struggle and “national disaster”