Just three days ago, I decided being pregnant must have caused temporary insanity. Laying face down on the acupuncture treatment table as flat as my swollen belly and enlarged breasts would allow I became aware of a thudding in my stomach. It was out of synch with my feel of my heart beating in my chest. There and then I decided it was the feel of Baby Wobbles fledgling heart beating strongly. My IVF delirium had officially reached its zenith.
Afterwards I excitedly told a nervous Wobbles about my experience. He had decided to work at home for a few days, meaning we could wait out time until the additional blood test together. It helped to have him here. I set about working on the essay that has been refusing to go away throughout this latest IVF Cycle. My goal was to have it completed before the next set of results were in. That way I would have one less stress hanging over my head. In the back of my mind, I feared a possible bad result dooming the essay to never being completed.
Blood test day came surely enough. It had been an indescribably long seven days, even in our history of long IVF days. We set off early together to the city for the pathology place, Wobbles insistent he once again be my support. On the way home, we stopped off to purchase more of the pre-ordered progesterone pessaries from our friendly local compounding chemist, before going for a café breakfast. This we decided should be our pregnancy celebration. In the weeks since the first positive POAS and later the first positive blood test, we had been keeping everything so low key. It was time to have a celebration of sorts, even a minor one, to at least acknowledge the new life we had successfully created.
There, in the noise of a trendy-inner suburban café we watched toddlers play as their mothers met for lattes. It was just the family-friendly environment we had imagined ourselves joining. We smiled our secret smiles at each other and rejoiced at the sight of happy face-painted children enjoying their day.
At home, I pretended to work on the essay I had come so close to finishing and silently cursed myself for not completing it before this day. In the next room, Wobbles returned to working on his latest conference paper. The sounds of his mutterings told me he was distracted and finding the work hard going. As I braced myself for the results the afternoon would bring, I went over and over the possibilities. I reminded myself I was still pregnant: the hard stomach and enlarged breasts could mean nothing else, so too was the constant feeling of strain and cramp in my abdomen. Then maybe it was all just the medications? There had not been any bleeding. My HCG reading the week before had been healthy enough, it was just the progesterone levels that had lead to this fear and doubt. Although nervous and lacking in confidence, which is this Lifeslurper’s default position anyway, I decided that my progesterone would either have corrected itself, or still be borderline. With the use of a handy HCG calculator I worked out that a minimum reading of 7000 was required, but over 10,000 would be better.
I was downstairs and in bed for my mid-daily pessary when the call came through.
The nurse spoke plainly. Essentially;
“Pregnancy hormone” fallen.
Pregnancy will not continue.
Cease all medications immediately.
Have another blood test Tuesday.
When is the ultrasound? Keep that appointment; it might still be required, depending on Tuesday’s blood test results.
Do you want counselling?
My already addled brain quickly began to shut down. Any words of more than one syllable were going to lead to a complete flood of tears. For some strange reason, I did not want the nurse to know just how awful this news was. This was her job, while this is my life and the life of our baby.
Finally, I was able to ask what the actual HCG and progesterone readings were. Not that it really mattered, but somehow I thought we would wonder about this later.
6 weeks 1 day
HCG: 861 (down from 1298 seven days earlier)
Progesterone: results pending
Medications – nil
Our invitation to International Year of the Take Home Baby revoked.
Immediate cessation of all medication seemed like an instant stripping of my pregnancy status. Last time there was the indignity of the insistence that all meds be continued for some weeks, screwing with my hopes and hormones big time.
I did not have the presence of mind to ask what to expect; would I bleed? Would I need a D&C? What is going to happen?
At once, I also felt rage. There has been the sense that the clinic had foretold events through last week’s test results, leading to an uncertain and often agonising week. Could they have known this was highly likely to happen and should they have let us know?
Call over, I needed to collect myself to go and break the news to Wobbles. I knew he had not heard the phone ring. In the time it took me to climb the stairs I had not come to any ideas about how relay this news. I did not need words. As soon as I reached the top of the stairs and turned the corner to where he was working, it only took a second. As soon as our eyes met, I melted into a fit of hysterical sobbing and he ran to hold me. We held each other for several minutes, crying all the time. I could not get any words out clearly. We decided to lie down in bed. There he told me repeatedly that he loved me and that we would be okay. It was good to hear.
A long while later, it was I who did the usual Wobbles thing of jumping into plans for the future. I had noticed he had been silent on any further IVF ideas. I asked him directly what he was thinking. For the first time I heard him say; “Maybe we just aren’t meant to be parents” and “I’m not sure we should continue to put ourselves through this Hell.” He said it without a trace of anger or bitterness. All I could see was a man who might have finally been broken by the desire to become a father.
Today, I am still stunned. My head has been throbbing since yesterday. Late last night I decided to take a tablet for headache, even though that felt very wrong. Our baby is still with me, even though it seems the entire world has given up on him or her.
I feel like the ultimate kind of ART failure in this world that suggests every aged celebrity female can become a mother if she has the money and the inclination to do so. Newspapers regularly publish odd spot stories of elderly Indian women at increasingly advanced ages giving birth to healthy babies. While I cannot bring home a baby despite the use of young healthy eggs, good embryos, a medical support team and vast sums of money. Not being able to sustain life at this level must be the ultimate definition of barren in an age of assisted reproduction.
There has never been the thought that all IVF effort has to be rewarded, but all the same after so much time this all feels strangely incomplete. The funds for further cycles are just not available at the moment, and look to be some time away due to Other Stuff. I never thought we would become that couple that tried and tried at this, which everyone felt sorry for. We did this to have a family.
Today, those ideas of a family seem as further away as they have ever been.
There are no words that I can say to comfort you. I am so, so sorry for you both. It just does not seem fair. This is one, tough, heartbreaking business. I am thinking of you and Wobbles.
As Journey Girl said – there are no words. I am so very sorry.
Oh no. No, no, NO
.
There is simply no justice in the world.
I too am struggling to find the words… I am so utterly sorry that this has happened.
I think you are profoundly strong to have even written this.
As for what comes next, if you don’t feel up to just waiting for the m/c to happen, ask for a D&C. Perhaps that way some analysis of what went wrong might even be possible? if that would bring any comfort or closure at all.
Holding you in my thoughts, and sending masses of love to you and Wobbles xox
I am so sorry for you and Wobbles
I too am struggling to find the right words to say to you, I just want you to know that I am thinking of you both and sending lots of love your way.
This just isn’t fair
Please no, not fair. I wanted this so badly for you both, we all did
I’m so sorry
Oh damn, damn, damn, damn…my heart is breaking for both of you. This is so unfair. Just know that I am praying for you. {{{Hugs}}}
I’m so sorry. I wish things were different.
I am new to your journey, and have just spent the evening reading your blog posts. What a brave woman to publicly elucidate your hopes, dreams, disappointments and pain. Whilst I haven’t experienced fertility problems, I have had to wait for the inevitable miscarriages (ended up w one D&C and one D&E) that were predicted by sonograms. You need someone holding your hands this week. If Wobbles is away, I would be honoured to help in some small way.
Like Deb, I’m new to this blog and am stunned at the rawness of it. You’re amazing and so much more resilient than you may think.
Would surrogacy be possible? Donor egg, Wobbles’s sperm, ‘gestational carrier’ a la Nicole Kidman/Keith Urban?
Anyway, I’m honoured to read of your [hateful word coming up] journey and along with Deb, extend an offer to help in any way possible if you need company or whatever. I could regale you with stories about the use of the comma throughout history, and why the possessive apostrophe will never die as long as I draw breath
Tireegal here, shaking fist at universe and just so angry and sad that this has happened again to you.
Sending you my love, strength and wishing I could do something to change the outcome or make a take home baby happen for you. It’s so not fair.
Huge hugs to you and Wobbles.
I’m so sorry to read your news hun. So unfair. If it’s any small consolation, DH and I are thinking aof you and Wobbles tonight and sending cyber hugs. xx
Another one thinking of you and Wobbles and wishing you had a different update to write. I too admire your strength.
This news takes me by surprise – I just did not see it coming. I am so deeply sad for you and Wobbles. My thoughts are with you.
I am so dreadfully sorry for you and Wobbles. It is such an awful thing to have to go through. Thinking of you both…
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Those phone calls hold so much possibility for good, and when the news is bad it is a long way to fall. I am truly sorry but I am glad you have one another and know that you are loved even as you grieve the loss of this baby and the reality of the days ahead.
Thinking of you
Chrissie xx
i am so sorry. i haven’t managed to comment, i realize, but i’ve been happily thinking of your happy news these weeks.
i am so, so sorry.
Oh my lovely, my heart goes out to you & your beloved, I really don’t know what to say……..always here for you though, I have grown very fond of you, your are not far from my thoughts. Love hairy xx
I am so very sorry. I am thinking of you and Wobbles. I have no other words. It is so unfair.
I am so so sorry, love to you and Wobbles, you are both in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry the dream has been shattered once again.
Hell is an appropriate word here, and I understand your thoughts go in the direction of letting go (however hard that is).
I wish you both much strength in finding your way through (whichever direction you end op going).
I am so sorry. I am thinking of you.
Oh Lifeslurper, I don’t even have any words here. I am so sorry and just so inadequate – I really can’t think of anything to say that might even remotely help. You know it has nothing to do with fairness, being deserving or any of that crap, right?
Please hang in there.
DinoD
I hope you’ll get over with this soon. I am offering you my deepest condolences.
I am so very sorry.
Oh Slurp. Oh I am so very very sorry.
I am just crushed for you and Wobbles. I am so very sorry for your loss.
Babs I am so sorry for your loss hon I really just don’t have the words hon…
Lynnie xx
Thinking of you every day. Will be sending extra hugs through cyberspace tomorrow x
Thinking of you and checking up on you. xo
I am so terribly sorry.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please remember that there was nothing different that you could have done, or didn’t do, that would have changed anything. This is NOT your fault.
With my first pregnancy this happened to me, almost exactly. When I got pregnant again, my progesterone was still low, and they supplemented it first with more cc’s in the prog. shot, and then with suppositories 2x a day THEN 3x a day. I truly don’t know if it was the laying on the progesterone that kept me pregnant the second time or not, and I’m sure you don’t know if you are ever going to try again, but if you do, supplement with a TON of progesterone. Even those old ladies in India need a boat load of hormonal help to get and stay pregnant, something that they don’t say in the papers. They probably bathe in the stuff.
I am so so sorry.
I am sorry to read your news