Does prolonged exposure to the rigours of infertility necessarily destroy a relationship?
Can love die for the want of a baby?
When hope is lost, what is left?
These last few months after loss have been unspeakably hard. So much has happened since another Baby Wobbles left us. It has largely been the same old by now very familiar drill: suppress all grief, anger and sadness. Just keep going regardless. We ended another year without a baby. Year of the Take-home Baby bypassed this house. Our ‘Baby’s first Christmas’ decoration is lost at the back of some cupboard.
My Wobbles and I are lost in a new Infertility Twilight: a land that seems beyond dreaming for a baby or actively planning further cycles, but not fully accepting this can never be.
Meanwhile we struggle. Struggle in our own ways to make sense of something that possibly defies logic or explanation.
Never in my life have I worked so hard at something for such a prolonged time. This is quite a claim for someone who is so lazy. Nor have I ever found so little reward in a decision to pursue a dream. This too is quite a claim for someone who has built a life around horribly low expectations.
Where have we gone wrong? What else could we have done? Why do we seem doomed to be THAT couple? The one, that despite their best intentions, efforts and endurance were the ones that failed.
My Beloved Wobbles’ greatest dream was to be a parent. He is not bitter, nor does he blame me. I just wonder how I can continue to look into those big sad eyes of his knowing how badly I have failed him. If I had little family life in upbringing, he had even less. Denying Wobbles fatherhood is where my failures begin to feel tangible and not so insignificant anymore. My own inability, which started off with bad eggs and has now extended into other issues, affects someone else very much so. All other hurts before this were largely my own. This private little hell conspires against us. While we remain strong together, it assists our isolation from the rest of the world. Infertility represents a pain that we wear permanently. Even when we cannot see it, this is the thing that triggers other insecurities. We feel like lesser beings. Undeserving lesser beings.
I resent falling into suspicion, thinking that maybe some ‘force’ has deemed that we would not have made good parents. Somehow, in denying us the opportunity to experience family, unknown powers have seized upon my own secret doubts that Wobbles’ vagueness and workaholicism combined with my depression would have made for a terrible basis parenting.
Is it foolish to look for meaning in all of this? Why do I feel the need to find some kind of message or lesson from this? What am I to do with the nagging fears? Of all the mistakes made by the clinic – and there were many – is it really possible that our most recent cycle and the ultimate loss might have been spared? The evidence is there. I dearly hope we are mistaken, but what if we are not?
The therapy is helping, but even my psychologist seems a little concerned about the events I am describing. Then again, he has heard the whole sorry saga of Other Stuff. There is still no end to Other Stuff, and the thought that it is about to get worse again is difficult to face. A pregnancy and the resulting baby of last cycle was we hopefully told ourselves, to be a form of compensation for enduring over a year of Other Stuff. It was not to be and afterwards the punishments and humiliations of Other Stuff seem even more acute. ‘We must be really horrible people’ I find myself thinking when I am not simply fixating on ‘I think I have jinxed Wobbles’ life.’
By the close of 2011 my despair had grown to the kind of levels whereby suppressing them was the only way to survive. As of course, as is the usual story with IVF there are simple practicalities to be considered, such as earning a living and so on. I buried myself in work and studies not only out of a need to survive financially, but also out of the need to avoid aggravating that overwhelming sense of personal failure. It was life as we have grown to know it: fighting going under from despair and financial stress set against a background of suppressing the many fears attached to childlessness.
In an effort to snatch life back from this ongoing grind, or maybe it was in an effort to ward off some the atmosphere, Wobbles surprised me with something quite unexpected. In a romantic setting on a rare night away, he asked me to marry him. So on New Year’s Eve, we became engaged. Who knows if, or when there will be a wedding? Point is it was that all-important reaffirmation I needed from him: that our love for each other still mattered – that although I cannot give him what he most wants – I am what he needs.
I am so glad to hear from you. I have been checking in religiously, hoping and praying that both you and Wobbles were ok. A huge congratulations on the engagement
I too understand the self doubt you are feeling and many times I raised the same questions. I hope that you and Wobbles find peace in the decisions that you make.
IVF is a tough, tough road and myself and Scott were embarking on our 7th and very last cycle in October which luckily for us resulted in that elusive BFP. I am 20 weeks pregnant today
I do however feel bad for telling you this, but after being in contact for a few years now I really wanted you to know!
Much love to you both xxx
I’m so sorry about all the crap you’ve been dealing with.
But, I’m so excited to read about your engagement to Wobbles.
{{{Hugs}}}, prayers, and congratulations.
Hi Slurp. Congratulations on your engagement. So much love there between you and Wobbles. He is a good man, isnt he? You are the great partner he deserves. You are the big part of the marriage equation, you know.
I am broken with you over the last year. No baby to bring home. No sense. I will always walk with you as you move forward.
Oh Lifeslurper huge hugs.
you are such an amazingly strong woman. You are very lucky to have wobbles and he is lucky to have you to.
life seems so unfair.
i dont know if this will come out right and i hope you understand what i am trying to say when i say that although you have been through so much and although you have sufferred such loss and pain you are terribly blessed to have such a great love with wobbles.
i think if any couple can get through this it is you guys because through so much pain and anguish you are still together and still moving on with a life together filled with love.
XOX
huge squishy hugs and congrats once again honey to you and wobbles. Why things happen the way they do no-one knows but i suppose they happen for a reason (so unfair tho) – you are an amazing lady – i am full of respect and in awe for all you have encountered, and gotten through, with a sense of humour and empathy and warmth. But ultimately you have the precious gift, you love and need wobbles very much and he loves and needs you equally. xox
Congratulations on your engagement! I’m glad that Wobbles was aware enough and able to show you that you are as important to him as ever – regardless of all the other circumstances of life.
First, congratulations on your engagement! Romantic indeed. – Your first sentence had me worried for a while.
As for the pain you’re carrying, it’s tough. Looking for rhyme and reason isn’t foolish, at least in the sense that it’s the natural thing for us humans to do. We look for patterns. Even where there are none.
You haven’t jinxed Wobbles’ life. Other stuff would have been there for him to go through, alone.
And you know that parenting isn’t the privilege of those who are capable.
It’s just cr*p, isn’t it?! I know exactly what you mean about being a lazy person working ridiculously hard for nothing – that sounds so like how I felt. And there is NO sense to it – you only have to look at some of the people who DO get to be parents easily to know that. I think that we look for logic to tell us that if we do all the right things we WILL become parents and then, when it isn’t happening, we use that same logic against ourselves to explain why not. I’m so glad you’ve got engaged – that seems like taking hold of the positive things in your life that you CAN control. I have no idea what The Other Stuff is, but I hope it gets better – infertility and loss are more than enough to cope with in life.
Congratlations to you and Wobbles on your engagement – this is absolutely wonderful news.
It’s such a hard place to be, moving forward without children. We are all here for you. I know it’s hard not to feel as though you have failed, but you and Wobbles are NOT failures and this is NOT your fault.
I have found the best way to overcome this type of despair is focus on all the positive things in my life and count my blessings. Wonderful husband. Good career. Lovely home. Etc. Thinking of you.
Dear Lifeslurper,
Just thought of stopping by and saying Hello to you…so, Hello there!
I am glad for your engagement, but so not-glad at all the emotional baggage the infertility has caused you.
You are lovely. Rest assured.
Glad to hear of your engagement, but sorry to hear how hard the last couple of months have been for you.
Thinking of you and hoping that things get better soon.