Closing my eyes for long enough, the splintered visions are there.
Glimpses of warmth: they seem teasingly real. The fleeting images are exquisite in their beauty. Simple images of soft baby skin and a grown man’s joy. All too quickly, they disappear. The dream is an illusion. My reality becomes the nightmare.
Our second baby was due sometime in April. The precise date escaped my memory. Maybe it fled to the place where my assorted hopes and unrealised aspirations now hide?
IVF time is unforgiving. It is reluctant to give space over to those who attempt to transverse its often-rugged domain. Personal supplies of stamina and courage are routinely depleted while in ART’s grasp. Experience losses peripheral and additional to IVF and there may be no further reserves to be called upon.
The sense that all this must be happening ‘for a reason’ has long faded into an uncomfortable acceptance that this experience has had no purpose or deeper meaning. There is nothing to be made sense of any longer. Confusion is present. Bitterness is hopefully – I tell myself – still some steps away.
Could we have managed things better? Did we not love well enough? Was everything just simply all too late?
Today I am tired.
I should be filled with joy for my many Cycle Sisters who have experienced success since I last blogged. I do believe that everyone I started out with has finally gone on to the Other Side and are now parents or looking soon to become parents. Every one but us, I say without irony. It is simply the truth.
A matter of days ago The Other Stuff largely concluded. I have been mostly comatose since. It is a long and ugly story. What I have witnessed has inexorably altered my perceptions about so much. It is all still too raw to make sense of just yet. The nadir for me came when shortly after our most recent miscarriage; legal papers written by Wobbles’ own brother humiliated us over our loss.
Other Stuff has been about so many things, with Wobbles and I seemingly the scapegoats for events and circumstances that go far beyond our reach, influence and lifetimes even. Lasting for over a year and a half, it began to impact our IVF attempts in more ways than we could have anticipated. By the time we realised we should separate the two, they were already inexorably linked. It was only one of large collection of ridiculous comments, insinuations and claims made by a person we now know to be of dubious character, but it was the one with lasting impact for me.
Ours is just one little story from an infinite universe filled with infertility experiences. It matters to us. We sometimes share it with others, although largely anonymously through the Internet. Not having a child has consumed us for over five years now. We do not look for pity, but see no reason or excuse for ridicule. When our IVF clinic makes careless errors, it matters – a lot. When a close family member would seek to hurt us over these circumstances, it leaves me several steps beyond my standard levels of despair.
I wonder how I can ever find a way to separate the wretched awfulness that is long-term ART failure and a future looking increasingly like one that is to be without a child from some of the worst things about family and human nature.
Is there any point in trying anymore?
It is becoming increasingly difficult to find any satisfactory responses to much these days.
Tonight I am reminded of the final line from The Wife of Martin Guerre:
…when hate and love have together exhausted the soul,
the body seldom endures for long.
I’ve missed you, my friend. I think about you often an wonder how you are going. Yours is a super sucky story and you don’t deserve the heartbreak that you have experienced. I don’t know what the other stuff is but I do hope with all of my heart that now that it’s over, you can start to heal and move past it. I’m always here. Contact me whenever you like. In the meantime I will stand beside you and hug you from the city.
There are no words to comfort you, but I want you to know that I have only love and respect for you. Xxooxx
Anger always works better for me than despair.
I’m glad Other Stuff is largely concluded, although it seems the effects will be far-reaching. I hope that you can move beyond it, separate it from the rest of your lives, and move forward.
i’ve been thinking about you for weeks and wondering how you were doing. Glad to hear Other Stuff is being put in the past.
As a fellow IVFer I’ve followed your story and I’m sorry you are feeling so low. I don’t know what other stuff is but I’m glad it’s coming to an end. I hope you will find peace in the future as I hope to one day too.
xx
I’ve been a long time on and off follower. I too have had no luck at conceiving and wanted you to know that you are not alone. My blog was Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Barren, I’d stopped writing since my mom died. Somehow I’d also given up my fight to become a parent. It put a lot of things into perspective for me. I do wish that my life had not turned out this way, but apparently I do not have much say in the matter. I believe that everyone does and will continue to view childless couples as people that chose not to have children. I’ve been able to reach a point where I am able to tell people that I simply could not conceive. It’s been liberating. It’s still upsetting at times, but these are the cards that I’ve been dealt and I don’t want to feel miserable for the rest of my life. My wish for you is that you too will some day reach a point where you are able to get what you need out of life to be happy. There is always adoption or foster parenting if that is something that you would consider. Rejoice in knowing that you have found the love of your life. Support each other and find things that make you both happy and can share together (continuing education, volunteering, new careers, travel). Try not to let your life end with infertility. It can consume you. I promise there will be other things in life to fulfill you if you let them.
Lifeslurper. I am still here hoping you are ok. Looking forward to hearing news of your wedding
I’m sorry to have not dropped in for so long – for a while my computer would not let me visit this site? Anyway it was lovely to finally get in today and hear from you. As with everyone else I’m pleased that the other stuff has concluded. I wish I had some words of wisdom to give you to pick you up but I don’t know what they are (I need to hear them myself). Hope to hear from you soon xx
Hello? We miss you, please come back!!! Hope you are ok!!